The Science behind getting asked out

Edmund Leighton "My Next Door Neighbor" 19th c.

Edmund Leighton “My Next Door Neighbor” 19th c.

I had no idea the train would be SO crowded, and then I saw a seat next to the window…

My stomach, which I lovingly call my intuition, said ‘sit there!’  so I promptly ignored the conductor who told me to keep walking for more seats.  After all, it was a window seat, and that’s exactly what I wanted. It’s also exactly how I learned what men need in order to ask us out. You will never look at being asked out the same way again.

Are you ready?

As I approached, all I really noticed was a dark haired man sitting next to it on the aisle. His bag was on the empty seat and he moved it quickly. I smiled, sat down and turned my music on.

We didn’t talk until more people flooded on the train a few stops later. A sweet little boy looking for a seat passed by with his mother. The dark haired man next to me told them, “if you need a place, please sit here.”

“I would give up my seat for anyone who needed one” , he said to me.


And I told him exactly that.

Which began a really exciting conversation.   It was obvious that this man wanted to ask me out. The difference was, he told me what made him want to do that.  This is what I learned.

1 A man must feel attracted.   The beauty element plays in here.  not only physical beauty (that’s subjective anyway). there’s so much more. how are your eyes shining.  are they alive when you speak?  are you smiling? is your feminine energy turned on? are you turned on? by life?


I love the phrase “Happy Girls Are the Prettiest” But don’t fall into the trap that you have to be happy all the time. That is an enormous! amount of pressure to put on yourself. especially you, a beautiful emotional creature with many highs and lows during the day.

A man can tell, regardless of what emotion you are feeling (even if you’re angry, sad, mopey) when you like yourself.  happy with yourself.  And THOSE are the prettiest girls.

2 A man must feel comfortable. By comfortable, he needs to feel safe to approach.  otherwise he will never approach you. even if you look great.

What increases this feeling in him is how relaxed you are. Tension in the body/face and uptightness actually turn men off. It signals to him unconsciously someone who is more ready for attack and fighting than love.

Years ago, many men would look at me but not approach me…and now i get it. I was so tense and so full of anxiety, NOTHING in me was relaxed. It’s interesting that the more relaxed I felt, the more soft I became, the more men approached me and began asking me out.

Another reason to let go…ladies. Let it go!! oh i want to sing that song! 😉

3 A man must plan.   As I was telling the dark haired man what my life was like, his face fell – Right at the moment I spoke about my boyfriend.  He told me that from the moment he saw me – he had been thinking of a way, the perfect way to ask me out. 

And what I appreciate about him, is that he actually told me what was going on in his head!  This is what is so helpful for us to know as women.

He told me that as soon as he saw me,  the first thought he had was how beautiful I was. (Beauty) The second was, I want to come toward her. I want to see her again. I want to ask her out.  (Comfort)


 How do i talk to her? What do i say? How do i tell her I’d like take her out?  (Plan)

That silence between us for the first half of the train ride, he later told me,  was him, literally working out a way to talk to me, he shared with me.

Therefore the time it takes for a man sometimes to ask you out is normal. My man even shared this with me when we first began dating. A man is using that time to come up with a plan. I think that’s so sexy.  I love when men have plans. In this case he is already using up energy to think of a way to speak to YOU. to ask YOU out.  he is already focused on you, even if he isn’t asking you out at the moment. He is doing this to come up with the BEST way to address you and engaging with you in the process.

4. Everytime a man asks a woman out, he is putting himself on the line. His pride, his desires, his heart are fully out there.  He is setting himself up for victory or rejection.  That’s scary! I know you’ve been there. felt that fear of rejection before.  It often stops you doesn’t it?  But men so often do it – ask us out –  because we as women not only inspire them.  WE ARE WORTH IT. even worth the possible rejection.

We are worth it all – and he will risk it just for the opportunity be close to us, the chance that he might win us and be able to love us, call us, HIS GIRL. or as my guy says “My misses”

He’s putting himself on the line for you.  just to see you again.

I think that takes balls.  Great courage. A ton of respect and great care for you.

And that totally turns me on as a woman. What about you?


Sealed with a kiss,


ps. the more available you become for love, the better the ask outs and the better men become.






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