Acting out in Love

leaningforwardwoman

Sir Edward Burne Jones “The Tree of Forgiveness”

It’s not just children who throw tantrums.  Adult speak for tantrum is drama.  In romantic relationships, I see adults do this all the time.

Drama according to my belief and the work I do at Birth of Venus Coaching is “Passion with a closed heart”

This doesn’t work for us and often turns men off LARGELY because drama is the acting out of our feelings, instead of cherishing the feeling, admitting the feeling and the feeling of the feeling itself.

Ladies – hint hint! THAT’S where the juice is. That’s where the attraction comes in.

We act out in love due to patterns,  habits we pick up,  and the belief that it is safer and more comfortable to throw a tantrum than to stand there and share how you are feeling.  Isn’t that sad?

Sucks out all the intimacy in a moment where there is tremendous potential for it!

We act out of fear. We act out of embarassment, the feeling of not feeling good enough, the feeling of absolutely feeling completely powerless or looking weak.

And so we try and get back at him.  Get even.  Make him feel miserable.

In order to help you identify how you might be acting out/going to drama, I’ve listed a number of behaviors you might find yourself instinctually go to (without even realizing it) when you get triggered.  or when you are on the receiving end of a man’s poor/obnoxious behavior.

Be aware when you feel yourself being pulled into the following directions:

– want to retaliate and punish him back

  • giving him the silent treatment, making him feel invisible, not acknowledging his presence
  • banging around
  • doing the same thing he just did to you/saying the same thing he just said to you
  • freaking out and GO CRAZY.  yelling, the screaming, the works

– start indulging in behaviors that disrespect him

(Not okay, EVEN IF YOU FEEL UNCHERISHED AND DISRESPECTED YOURSELF)

  • break his stuff, throw out something important, ruin or destroy something, mess something up, go over his boundaries in anyway.
  • intentionally not do something, not say something, or say agree to something and then not do it.
  • Ex. For me, this looked like walking on the carpets with my shoes on and in some way getting off on that because I know this is something really bothers him.

* Note – this can be small or big.  It’s always VERY passive aggressive – like a dog who pees in the house when you leave.

-making false threats or declarations

 ~ I’m never going to talk to you again.
~ I’m ending this!
~ If you ever do this again, you’re outta here!
~ Get out of my face!
~ Leave me alone.
~ You are ruining my life.
~ I hate you. (truth is you probably don’t like him at the moment but you don’t hate him.)

making life with you impossible

  • choosing every opportunity to castigate or criticize pretty much everything he does or says.

yikes!

I get it we are trying to show a man that what he did is not ok, but none of this is the real you.

Where is your heart here?

Our true power as a women lies in great part with our ability to feel and to be felt.  Some call this vulnerability, I call this touchability.

In every situation, comfortable or not, a a man needs able to touch you, really touch your heart. And by this I mean he needs to be able to feel you. – through your words, your movements, your body language, your gestures.

When we go to drama, our hearts just snap down, they shut off.

And if our hearts are closed off and shut down…the answer is NO. He cannot feel us. He can’t even have an opportunity to understand you or make the situation better.

Drama aka adult relationship tantrums is perhaps the strongest reason why men have developed a ‘reputation’ for not liking our feelings or wanting to deal with them.  Are you able to see why?  Drama has been a way for us to cope with our hurt feelings. In some way it makes us feel powerful in a moment where we feel utterly wretched. destroyed. heart stomped on.

We get to take our focus off of the horrible stuff that’s going on inside of us and focus on making him pay.

We focus on getting even.

We want to ‘give it to him’, make him see that he can’t take advantage of us. That we aren’t that kind of woman. And he won’t forget it.

But It’s all a false bravado.  And it all just pushes him further and further away from you.

From understanding you. From loving you.

NOTICE HOW THERE’S NOTHING ABOUT LOVE IN HERE.  Nothing about YOU.

When you’re hurt – EVERY bit of your energy needs to be focused on you and helping you feel better, taking care of yourself,  gently stroking your bruised heart, loving it up and fully! Part of that includes being able to stay open so that YOU can express your feelings in way he can hear.

When he does something – stop yourself and ask “Ok, how am I feeling?

Your feelings are a guide to your authentic truth about whatever’s just happened. as well as a complex reaction to your own perceptions and long held beliefs about men and love.  None of these are excuses to shut down.  Nothing is.

We ARE MADE UP OF LOVE. WE ARE LOVE AS WOMEN. That is who we are.

NO ONE AND NOTHING CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

And Remember – openheartedness is essential to our health as women in love.

When we close it, we shut off a man’s access to it.

AS WELL AS OUR OWN.

Our hearts become isolated.  We become more and more touchy, oversensitive, looking for ways to defend ourselves.  In the attempt to protect ourselves, we shut down more.  We end up blocking a man’s love, even unintentionally and  WORSE we block our OWN love even from coming toward us. Which means we are cutting ourselves off from the truest depths of who we are.

that is NO WAY FOR A WOMAN TO FEEL. EVER.

so Instead of acting out, GO ALL IN.

Begin to catch yourself, it will probably take at a few tries. And then simply Ask yourself “How am I feeling here?”

Then go inside of you, your heart. and be there with it, in it’s moment of feeling sad and distraught. Love you.

So that he can do that same with you. and your relationship.

because my belief is that he wants to.

Sealed with a kiss,

Amanda

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