What do to when you mess up in love…

Kiss, graffiti on Rome's walloops! you just made a mistake.

You said something, you pushed him away, you shut down big time.

Hey, we’ve all done it.  It happens. I promise you, IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Most likely this situation is not do or die. Most likely this is just a blurp on your road to love. What I want you to focus on now is how to feel better.

The key here at first is to stop yourself from doing what doesn’t work so you can begin implementing more and more what DOES!  All you need to do is can catch yourself on these behaviors (we all have them) and at the same time replace them with more healthy ones. for you. and for the relationship.

I’ve hurt men in the past.  And they ended up ok. I did too. The more I started responding in a real, feminine way…

 

DO NOT KEEP THINKING ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

it’s tempting i know! In love, (in our lives really) we ALWAYS want to be moving forward.  Thinking about what we could have said or what we could have done instead won’t help you or the situation.  Doing so will just keep you stuck in the same thinking and feeling place.  We don’t want to be going in our heads anyway in love, let alone, an emotionally charged situation. so Catch yourself if you find yourself doing this and focus on the emotions your feeling at this moment.

DO NOT TRY TO FIX ANYTHING.

This is a variation on number 1.

Be assured that trying to change the past in anyway, won’t help fix the situation.  Relationships are organic. It’s all about the moment. so focus on the one you are in RIGHT NOW. The best way this can be repaired is again for you to focus less on repairing the damage and more about your own feelings as well as respecting  his.  This will automatically undo any ‘damage’ that may have been caused.

One thing that helped me when this happened in my own love life were the words of my love relationship trainer, “You really cannot do/say the wrong thing with the right man.”

so if you mess up you mess up.  ok! You are in the process of developing your femininity and strengthening your own skills to communicate in love.   Your man isn’t perfect.  Why would you think that you need to be too? Ask yourself that!

Trust me, men don’t want a perfect woman. they want a real woman.  😉

When Real women fall, they hug themselves, love themselves, still on the ground for as long as they need to and only then do they worry about standing up again.

DO NOT TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER OR DO SOMETHING TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM.

This puts you into friend mode or even worse mommy mode.  Also stay away from coach mode, where you ask him questions to work through his feelings.

Go back to you. It may feel very uncomfortable the first few times you do this, because most of us rush to a man wanting to care for his wounds.  If we are really real with ourselves, we do this because we can’t stand the fact that we hurt him. And it’s much more easy to focus on him than it is on us, the person who did the hurting.

Respect a man enough to give him the time and the space to process this by himself and for himself.

Respect him.  Respect him.  Most likely what happened was something that made him feel disrespected.  And trying to make up for that by taking care of him will turn him off even more. But what you can do is this:

APOLOGIZE

If you feel in your gut that an “I’m sorry” is necessary, Say it. Mean it. Let it come from your heart.

Remember, This is another person. And a person that you care for.

ONCE IS ENOUGH.  Saying sorry over and over again makes you come across as needy and fearful that something bad will happen because you were ‘bad’. More than likely, this is what’s actually going on with us. We want a man to forgive us because if he does, we will feel better.  And I promise you, this kind of behavior will end up leaving you hungry and needing a man’s permission/acceptance all the time. This will end up hurting you and the relationship as well as push a man away.  So if you’re finding yourself in this mode,  take a breathe and focus on your heart. What are you really feeling?

FEEL YOUR FEELINGS:

Here’s where I recommend you spend the majority of your time and energy.

Most likely you are feeling guilty, maybe fearful, anxious even.  I know I’ve felt all of those. We are scared, that he won’t do something any more because of what just happened, or he’ll leave us, dump us, abandon us…

Please give yourself a lot of love here. This is not a time to beat yourself up for what happened. Hug yourself instead. Imagine wrapping yourself in a blanket of love.  One great tool I learnt from my trainer is to spread love butter all over yourself.

Imagine you have some gorgeous scented oil, lotion or butter (whichever you prefer most! ;-)) and just smooth it and slather it all over your body. Imagine that this oil is love and it’s love JUST FOR YOU. Rub it in the areas that feel the most awful.  For me it’s my chest, my neck, my belly, my mouth.  And slow down. Feel how much better it starts to feel as you do this…

As you do this, Shhh the voices in your head. Most likely they are rearing up and going a mile a minute. (ex. “You’re so stupid! Oh, how could you! You’re terrible. How could anyone love you?…He’s going to leave you now.. You’ve ruined everything”…) Spread some love butter on them too. Tell them you hear them and will get back to them later. They are scared too and just trying to defend you.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

It’s actually much much easier to say I’m sorry to a person, when you’ve forgiven yourself first.  Especially with men. They are much more likely to drop what happened more quickly, when you are ok with you.  Ok with what happened. Ok with your actions.

It’s ok to forgive yourself. If you are having trouble forgiving yourself, you have my FULL permission as a love expert to do so!  It’s ok, go slow.  Whisper it to yourself at first, hug yourself as you do it.  There is a scared, sad part of you in that that needs your love!  so love her fully.

This is a moment for you to be more compassionate with yourself than ever before.  It may stretch you. But it will also open you up for more love.

With yourself and with this man.

<3

 

Sealed with a kiss,

Amanda

p.s. This article is also written as a counterpart to another I did called “How Men Apologize”. which looks at this situation in reverse, when a man hurts YOU.

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