Amanda’s love story

DSC_4716 Today, when I wake up in the mornings I feel like this!:

OPEN HEARTED, FULL BODIED and 100% WOMAN. 😉

But it wasn’t always like this…not even close…The modern day Venus I feel like now used to be a total Cactus Queen.

I was smart and attractive but I was also VERY spikey. ouch!…

I remember feeling really strong on the outside but completely weak and a mushy mess full of fear on the inside. I walked around feeling terrified and insecure a lot of the time. especially around men.

Don’t get me wrong, I was confident and bubbly. I had a lot of friends and a lot of fun.

I even attracted lots and lots of guys. But they never seemed to stick around for long.  Because as soon as they got close or attempted to, my heart shut down just like an automatic door.  The barbwire came out.

And a spear appeared in my hand ready for attack…

I guess a lot of this began when I was 19. My father, the wonderful man that he was, died suddenly and very tragically.  And just a few months after his death, my first love suddenly left me too. My heart just shattered. I felt so overwhelmed.  I felt so hurt and abandoned.
And I had no idea how to cope with it.

 The safest I felt was with a barrier around my heart. I didn’t feel happy but I felt protected.

As time went on though, the barrier grew harder and thicker into a shell.  My relationships with men became worse and worse. Super unfulfilling.  I felt frustrated, tense and anxious most of the time.  And I felt numb.

Because the shell around my heart had also made me a shell of a person.

My radiance, the light that made me uniquely and gorgeously me was hidden.  I felt fake and I hated it.

With every failed relationship attempt, I believed more and more that love and pain were the same.  And that for a relationship to work suffering, struggling, and vast amounts of effort were necessary. But then it happened, I experienced a breakup so embarrassing that it shook me to my core!  A light bulb went off.

Enough with bad relationships!  Unavailable men!  Painful endings!

I realized that my shell had stopped protecting me and starting blocking me from the very thing I desired. A great relationship! Sure it prevented me from getting hurt but it also repelled Love.  Because the love simply had no where to go.

Worst of all, I cut myself off from my own heart. I couldn’t really feel my feelings, let alone express them. And if i couldn’t get close to my heart, how could any man?!

I realized I was pushing away Love, EVEN THOUGH I WANTED IT SO BADLY!   white heart in mussel

And in order to get what I wanted I had to break through the many layers of my own shell.

This started me on my journey to become a modern day Venus.

On the way, I began to ask myself, what is scarier?  Protecting myself from what COULD happen – the disappointment, the heartbreak?  or closing up my heart so tightly that I never experience the love and relationship I’ve always dreamed of?

I get it. I have been hurt many times.  But what actually hurt me the most was blocking myself off from love I could have had. And when love is blocked so is FUN, HAPPINESS, LAUGHTER, PLEASURE and the ABILITY TO RECEIVE! All things a modern day Venus requires and revels in!

I really belie1382860_10103556633370135_2034927900_nve I was meant to experience such extreme situations in my life so that I could open up to who I really am;

a MODERN DAY VENUS

and to inspire other women that they really can have the love and attention they want and deserve!

My name is Amanda. It means “Worthy of love”.

And it is my great and passionate desire that EVERY woman believe that she is worthy of love, of attention and an AMAZING, JUICY, FULFILLING, HAPPY relationship.

Is that what you are looking for too?


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